illness

To The Friends and Family Who Are Angry at Me

Humans are weird.

So weird, in fact, that sometimes I wonder if I’m from the same species.

Maybe I’m actually an alien.

Maybe everyone else is alien.

Probably not, but sometimes people make me wonder.

Humans treat each other horribly.

And today’s post comes from a place of hurt from being repeatedly mistreated by people who claim to care about me.

But, you know the thing about saying you care for people?…you actually have to care what’s best for them.

Not just care about yourself.

And not just say you care.

Actually care.

You know what’s the opposite of caring about what’s best for someone else?

Calling me controlling when I want to eat a restaurant that actually has food I’m not allergic to.

Getting angry at me that your own GPS couldn’t find the location of the event I was hosting as if somehow I personally messes up the satellites so that your app wouldn’t work.

Refusing to talk to me after I couldn’t attend their party because I was at an emergency doctor appointment trying to not bleed to death.

These are just a few examples of things that have happened to me recently.

Some people can’t see past the end of their own noses to recognize that other people around them (like me) don’t have time to keep score or compare who’s wearing more expensive clothes or who attended what activities.

Because I’m just just trying to stay alive.

These people who can’t see past the end of their nose reveal their true colors when I’m not able to be and do everything they think I  should be and do.

It’s eye-opening and, honestly, grief-inducing.

It’s nothing if not educational.

It’s on those days I wish I could pretend to be a puppy to avoid my problems like my friends rather eccentric and adorable 5 year old used to do.

I wish I could adequately explain to people what I deal with on a day to day basis just to live.

Maybe then I wouldn’t have friends who get angry and refuse to speak to me or family who throw around accusations like manipulative and controlling.

They probably wouldn’t choose to see the truth even if I showed them, because I’ve been very open about the stuff going on in my life and that hasn’t changed these expectations: that I do what’s expected when it’s expected.

I got lab work back on my adrenals yesterday. The numbers are incredibly low.

So low that I’m barely making enough cortisol to stay alive and at high risk for Addison’s Disease which left untreated is life-threatening.

This is further compounded by a medication that my previous doctor gave me which appears to have damaged my adrenals, perhaps even permanently.

I’m seriously trying to not die by either bleeding to death, passing out and hitting my head on something, or by not making enough cortisol to stay alive.

And we’re arguing over where we’re going to eat?

Over who attended what party?

Over mobile apps on someone’s phone?

Over who’s wearing what?

Do you seriously know how incredibly asinine that all seems from where I’m standing?

None of that stuff matters!

None of it!

I could die.

Do you want the last thing you said to me to be some silly, petty argument or unfounded accusations?

Please, rearrange your priorities.

I don’t have the energy for this drama which is why I have tried to remove myself from stressful and melodramatic people.

I care about you, but I’m not going to waste the precious time I have here in earth trying to wade through your emotional manipulation.

I’m here, and I still care.  

If you decide you want to behave like an adult, you know where to find me.

In the meantime, I’m going to be spending time with people who support me and don’t make me sicker.

Blessing,

Sarah Forbes

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