Stop Trying to Change Your Spouse

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They’ve been married for 20 years, and she still regularly complains about him and actively seeks to change him.  

He’s not type A.

She knew he wasn’t type A when she married him.

And yet for some reason, she thought she could change him.

He’s miserable because she is constantly berating him.

She’s miserable because she’s determined to be discontent until he becomes what she wants him to be.

She has decided that she will not accept him as God made him but insists on trying to make him something he is not.

She will never be happy until she alters her expectations.  

As I’ve mentioned many times before,  love is unconditional –it loves without conditions.

You pick your spouse but after that you have no control over the other person.

The only person you have control over is you.

For some reason we often think we can criticize someone into being what we want them to be.

It doesn’t work.

It’s not honoring to God.

Even if the person tried to be what we wanted,  it would not be honoring to God because that person is being something other than what God made them to be.

It’s dishonest.

It’s fake.

If we expect others to be something other than God made them to be (I’m talking about personality, disabilities,  etc –not sin) we are essentially telling God that we know better than He does who this person should be.

What an arrogant declaration!

Do you know better than the Creator Himself?

We become or own little god in this scenario,  supposing that we know better that the eternal, all knowing God.

God wants us to love unconditionally.

He does not want us to try to enforce our will on other people.

We ought to be telling God “Thy will be done,” not telling others,  “My will be done.”

It is the ultimate sign of arrogance and also a sign of rebellion against God’s authority when I  decided that I  know better how my spouse “should” be than God does.

If I truly believe God knows what he’s doing then I’ll not try to change him to be more like I wish him to be.

Remember that you get what you marry.

The time to change your spouse is before the wedding: change him for a different boyfriend before you take vows.

This is not widely understood, it seems.

I’ve been asked how I make my husband be kind to me. 

The answer is that I don’t. He chooses to be kind to me.

He was kind before we married and still is many years later.

You can’t change your spouse –or anyone except yourself.  You have the power to decide to be content where God put you regardless of the circumstances you’re in.

Think you’ve got it bad?

“I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:10-13

Paul said he was content in all things. He was persecuted, imprisoned, shipwrecked,  and more.

Yet he said he was content.  

You can be too. The choice is up to you.


Sarah Forbes


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